As the Tiara Turns

A Reason

2006-02-28T05:31:00.000-08:00

Once sitting on a floor of wash room . While smoking a cig, I was given something. It had no physical form, no smell. I was given the well being of another living person. This was a trust given to me at such a young age. By a girl , I knew only threw legend. And even after battering this trust until it was sediment in my heart, its still there. And now i know that it is what I was meant to do. To learn some people are chosen for great things. Great thoughts and Ideas, to help people find a new way to think. And some are chosen to walk behind them, to give me them strength so they accomplish the things they are here to do . My charge leaves me soon, but only for a moment in the timeline of our lives. So I have to take this moment to prepare. To ready myself for one of the many things I am meant to do . Even though I might not seem like i am excited. This is one of the things that will be one of the greatest highlights of my life. Even though it is only one of the great many things that i am meant to do , it is also one of the majestic. Becuase even kings need someone to take care of them. So while my charge prepares himself, to better this earth in a way only he was chosen to fulfil. I must make the trust presented to me many moons ago, and make whole once more. I must also make my heart a temple where it can flourish. No one else can live anothers destiny. So with this i leave you with these thoughts. What does Destiny need you to do.

Refesh

2006-02-18T14:03:00.000-08:00

To light the aura of the new, skin of snake and chrysalis too. To indicate the fresh reborn, tumbleweed and rosebush thorn. An egg that means the life to come. Take this, oh spirit, and my spell is done.

Wouldn't it be grand , if we could just chant our woes away. Even as a Initiate in to the Mysteries, and firm believer of the blessings of the three faced mother.Such leaps of faith would be optimistic to the point of insanity.I have hit the bottom. Ya know, were the rocks live. I have decided to hide away for a while, untili can get my life back on track. I am 19 and every time things go askew, I am forced to look at the mess and figure out what i did wrong. This has happened three times since i was 17. And i think i have learned enough from these last trails, that on my next try i should be able to spot and contain the problem. Being an adult is hard, sometimes to the point tears. I know i sometimes use an rude arrogance to protect myself. I even use feelings people have for me, to make them suffer. I wonder were in my life I learned these cruel methods of coercion. But there is a point when a person must accept certain things about himself, and work to prevent the evilness. So when I start the sentence" not to be rude."I have to stop, since accidental rudeness occurs so often. Its sometimes best not to say anything at all. In the past couple of weeks i have done things that good people dont do. I have played around with people who have boyfriends. I have helped pushed a loved one backwards. So that he must start again. So in starting over I hope i can help myself help others. Becuase please believe karma is a bitch.

At a loss for words

2006-02-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

Oh My God ! Louis is losing it. I know i had something to do with it. And I am kicking myself, because I knew something like this was gonna happen. I have been trying to decipher codes for the last 2 weeks. Someone I love , who I know Loves me. Tell me that he can't imagine his life without me. But doesn't know where to put me in it. And then in return I make him feel bad about not being able to make up his mind. Louis, we will always be. But now your hurting and im hurting. You have just got to decide because it will help all things involved.If you want to have some kind of romantic relationship with me, that would make me the happiest man in the world. But if that isn't what ya want, then so be it i will suck it up and be there for you like the ShaSha can. But it makes me sick to see you this way. So you decide how you want me to be there and ill be there. Just know that i do love you , even though u think your not worth it. And if me having to just finally get over it, to make it better for you Louis. I can give it a honest effort. I I just need ya to talk to me.

Concerned Cohorts

2006-02-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could just laugh at poeple who act insane when it comes to matters of the heart. But having just recently looked foolish becuase i had something to say, makes me not want to do that any more or suffer the rath of people labeled under the name of Hipocracy. I sometimes think I enable of friend of mine to hurt himself. But being just a friend to him I feel that with all the wisdom he has, he knows when to hold them and when to fold them. Its just hard to try and correct people who have taught you not to do the things they are doing. I love my friend. And i really only have his best interests at heart. Are relationship is undefinable. But thats ok , becuase from personal expiernce. It is forever, in some way shape or form it will always be. This makes me happy. Whatever shape or form it takes in the future. So friend you have to do what makes you happy. SO GET IT TOGETHER LOVE! Just know im here to help you no matter what. If it helping you start something new, or stopping something old. So Kisses LUCKY. See ya soon.

The Pricess Grooms Goodbye

2006-01-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

I started blogging in a darkened hospital room. Watching someone I love fading in and out of reality. We used blogging to comunicate to each other, during times of turmoil we created for ourselves. Even though we have once again fond each other. I fear that what we found , is not the same as what we lost. So Louis I write this last blog to you. When you rightfully removed me from your life I forced myself to wonder why. I saw that even I wouldn't keep someone in my life that hurt me over and over again. I returned from San Antonio broken. And as soon as I saw you, I knew that the feeling i had for you never vanished during our time apart. It only hide itself deep inside. And I even remember the comment you made a couple weeks after my arrival. "I think if all that stuff that dj did, had not have happened. We would will still be together." And I think that trying so hard to pretend I didn't want that really hurt alot of things. My nature is, that if I feel you still felt the same way about me. I would fight like I did the first time around. You are nothing short of extraordinary. And a star to boot. But I can't chase a shooting star any longer. When you came to see me at work. And we started anew, I thought to myself " can you do it shane. Can you just be a friend right now." And I have admit defeat. There is something about you that will always make me wanna fight for you. I think its becuase when I look into your eyes, I see one of the most amazing souls that I have ever seen. You told me that we needed to be selfish. And truth be told, that having someone I love being forced to make a choice between someone they might want to make a life with, and someone they just want in there life isn't fair. And I believe you deserve better than that. I have a long ways to go , in the process of improving my life. And having that ache in my heart, while watching you and your new one, is nothing but counterproductive to that. And your not blame. You can't help who you grow feeling for. But you do have the power to stop something that is starting to become destructive to ones well being. And I am proud to say that I loved someone, that improved the quality of there life so much. And I hope i can take some of the better points of that positive reconstruction with me. I am really sorry it didn't work out like we hoped for. And I hope that your not to upset with my Idealism. Kisses sexy, and be good.

When you least expect it ...

2006-01-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

They say love comes to those of us, who least expect it. Maybe thats why its all ways so stressful. You have no preperation, for something that always changes the course of your life. I say this, not because i have found my hearts other half. But because I read and see so many friends of mine going threw this. Watching them struggle to keep themselves together, while this mystic force runs craziness all over there life. I have lost a friend today to this sinister effigy. He has gotten so lost, that he can't even control his anger towards those who love him. Ill miss him alot. But i can't help him any more. There is nothing that i can do. And it hurts me, that he was so weak he couldn't choose reason over madness. But any ways, its happened again. Some how no matter how muchI fight with a certain person that comes in and out of my life, it always ends the same. With us chain smoking and laughing. We discuss what we did, why we do it. And how brilliant our battle plans were against each other. I love this guy. And it is a love that has changed. No longer is it that wich blossoms between lovers. But that which blossoms among brothers. I respect him, for his noble works. While I have choosen to believe that there is nothing else i could learn from him. This is just not the case. His first lessons to me . Was basics on how to organize my own brilliant plans. Now he teaches me that some times having the will power to not seek revenge. Can be so much sweeter to the soul. Even though i planned to live my life without him. Its nice to know he will make guest appearnces here and there.

You wanna what on my what ?

2006-01-08T12:46:00.000-08:00

Wow ! I just never knew what kinda crazy people , frequent there local service station. There is a extreme amount of closet cases in the west ashley area. And kinda think they have a newsletter. "Come try your luck, at the pantry." I started a tally sheet, for straight bois who hit on me. So far im up to 26, i've collected 16 numbers, wich they write on the back of brown paper bags. Itsso funny watchin them come in at differnt times at night. Looking around casually to make sure im the only one there. But im proud, i've only hooked up with one. And he was just hot. Brown hair, blue eyes, 5'11. I mean, what would any queer do. Its actually nice getting all this attention. Its even got to the point, where they leave numbers for me, with my girls who work the day shift. So i went out for the first time in forever. I went to the lesbian bar. I didn't get out till like 3in the morning. I arrive and i just have to say being the prettiest guy there is sometimes just over rated. SO i get a drink , and head for the dance floor. Once i get there I se a transy still this mans belt and just assault him with it. She beat his ass. Its was not the show i was hoping for. But it worked. Then out of no where this midget, comes running at me. I mean a real life we person. She tells me, how hot i am . And that she wants to have my baby. At this point shock takes over. She latches herself to my leg , and just hangs on for dear life. I begin to scream for help. So the manager comes and saves me. Invites me to join him in the dj booth. He then informs me, that this particular midget had assaulted astripper earlier. He gets me another drink, and then places his hands on my ass. And thenmy dick. Who knew that this was treatment for shock. What a night. I think ill just stick with my coffee shops, book stores, and coven gatherings. Becuase these people are just crazy.

is Runway the Fun way ?

2006-01-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

Isn't she just cute. Yes thats me. Princess ShaSha, as i am referred too by many. Well let me tell ya story about the princess. Once upon a time there was a beautiful boy named shane. He had a nice life with loving family. His early years was nothing but sunshine , family, and bliss. But, time moves on, as time tends to do. And he was a teenager, with feeling for his soccer buddies, and was a better dancer than most girls he knew. How confusing for him. Well at the age of 13 the queen and matriarch of the family approached him. She told me she knew i was gay, and that dont let it bother me any more . She said she could tell something was horribly wrong with me. She siad she cried over my bed every morning, after i left for school. She didn't know that confusion had taken over my life. After every meal I would go into the bathroom. Turn the hot water on in the sink and the bathroom. And purge myself of everything i had eaten that day. After a year of doing this, my body was so weak. That the rush of throwing up, and steam would cause me to black out. Some would say " why would a boy want to do this." or" i thought that was just for gurls." This is not the case. 10% of people with this horrible sickness are men. Men who are gay, and can find better role models in gurls. It gives u a since of dicsipline, that u really can't find any where else. That u can make yourself weight zero pounds if u really wanted. I believe this is why i found solace in the drug "Tina". AkA the ONE. I guess that reason it is called the one, is becuase you feel like it is the only one that matters. It made me feel Beautiful. And it made me thin. it has been about 2 months since i have done it. And as my body gains weight. I derobe in front of my full body mirror. And see threw the eyes of that 13 year old. I see a fat ugly, recluse. That hides behind is families money, and arrogant repose. Every time I am not chosen first. Every time i lose to someone else. So i must take this and change it. Instead of snorting something up my nose, I have to work out. When ever i feel like i was passed over, I need to get out and make myself better. I hope with this New Year I can find the strength. To find a new pair of eyes to look threw. Because i fear if i fall back into that black whole again. I wont have a guiding star to help me find my way out.

New Year resolutions, and resolve

2006-01-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

Thank the Lord its is finally over. I cannot even begin to express how much i loath 2005. It was just not a good year for me . I got a crease , not a wrinkle, began a fight for my drug free life( wich i am glad to say i am winning), lost a couple of friends. And finally decided that no matter how i fix it , curls just look better on me then short hair. And found a new addiction. This writing thing is quite festive. Its expressive and really makes me think what I feel . Because you lie in text form , u get caught. This year I am going to college, starting to collect furniture, because next year I will have my own house, and do something more than bitch about what other people are doing. I have big plans for this year. Plans for myself inside as well as out. But ihave kinda been struggling to find the energy to do so . Its my living enviroment. My roomates are TOXIC. Now this word has been thrown around alot lately. And i really do believe that i found 2 people who are just toxic for each other. The are so spiteful to each other, when they are not fighting like 2 old ladies, over the last pair of control top panty hose in the store. And i must admit i do capitolize on there hate. Its evil, but they struggle for my attention, and my backing. So needless to say i havn't went with out cigs, food, or shelter whilst waiting on this paycheck. I just dont know what to do about them. When they are not fighting they are smoking themselves into sleepy stupors, and trying to take me with them. And now niether one of them has a job. I really hope that one day my friends with have the strength to control thier hate. Because blinded by there silly passion they can't even see, that they are being moved around on a board like little chessmen. Bless em. I guess some people can't see the wonderful things this new years has to offer. As a witch , i have read the cards for the new year. This is the Year of Fullfillment. And i am so thankful. Because last year was the year of shit. And i am just jumping up and down like a angry midget with glee that its over.

The Gemini is in the sky ~!~

2006-01-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

I try and deny what I see alot of the time. But as a gemini i have a extra pair of eyes. I sometime cringe at the thoughts i have . I know truly one part of me is just a horrible little spoiled rich boy with lolly pops up his ass. But that just makes it taste better, to all of those kissing it. But there is a part of me that is not spoiled. Its that part of me that makes me help people i care about. Makes me spend long weekends at the hospital, to take care of the wounded stars in my part of heaven. To my brother stars, who have joined the masses below. I hope that when you are ready, you will be able to find wings back to the kingdom. As I watch from above, I hope that my light can be guiding to some. As those that came before me where guides for me. And just a warning for those that are watching above with me. Get to close and be over-shadowed. Because my light gets brighter and brighter by the day .

Petrochemicals, and Platonic Ex boyfriends

2005-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

OK so like I have been working nights at my job. 10pm till 6am , i really like it. It has saved me from going out getting drunk, and feeling sorry for myself. The guy that works with me is a 23 year old virgin. Who is a missionary, and play in a rock band. What a mix. But he loves gay people so we talk about religion, sexual orientation, and all the crazi peeps that come into this well lite establishment. So basically my life consist of listening to him play the guitar all night, while i read, and the best part of it is . Is that we get paid for it. No gay people. No self destructive people. I dont even get to see my roomies that much any more. which is good becuase they broke up . And it has been nothing but absent smiles, and blank expressions. So I think the malicious masiah likes his new name. Im glad to see people happy , its nice. Becuase i just realized im happy. I might be alone alot. But its really quite nice. I am prolly the best company for myself at the moment. All though i know soon i will start crave more social interaction( being the social butterfly i am). But when that moment comes, when i am no longer happy with just being with me. My first instict is to find those i knew before. But i know now that is not the way to go. I would prolly want to be friends with my ex Louis. But he has left me high and dry, while he explores new waters (for the second time). So im closing the harbor. I can't handle people i care about getting huffy and leaving me . So i have to choose not care about them any more. Good Luck to ya Malicious Masiah, and to the drink of the week (my-ty). I hope the ship doesn't sink, but i now know, that im not just a Floatation device, that one can hang on to until the next ship comes by. I am Luxury Liner. Sorry you missed the boat.

My unavailability consumes me ... Agian!

2005-12-24T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I rush around to try and make myself better only to be worse. But that is about to change. I may be a fag lost in the dark. But the light has come ladies and gentlemen. I have been running around worried about other people , when the fact of the matter is they are not worried about me.As the end of the years draws to a close I have only one word 'Charismat'. Would anyone care to know what this words supports. It is the creation of fallen star fag I ran into while in the Dark {re: above}. Its a word for a person who styles himself as a Techno-Jesus. Masiah of the lost fags. So I guess that when he went to save me I spit in his face. Well to be totally honest I dont need a jesus, im pagan. What was Needed was a friend. And what I need is to find myself. Becuase 2 days ago I broke my baton and gave my wig away. Threw away all my make-up, and cut off what was left of my really pretty hair. And I also quite the use of drugs. So no drugs no drag( you are prolly thinkin what kinda fag is he ) Well that is just the thing i have no freaking clue. But this fag just saw the exit sign. With this i took a running leap( wich is also showing forward momentum, becuase usually the running part before the leap would have been a sashe') lol. Well with turning down of the flame. I suspect a little misery and heartache. But hopefully this boy in a dress, will become the man he hopes to be . And for Malicious Masiah. Thank you. Im sorry for how it happened, but im glad it did. Because it was causing me more pain the good. And pushing farther into the dark. But I didn't have the strength to do it myself. No hard feelings. I mean you really couldn't use me as much as last time. And I was really boosting your ego as much either. Just remember i dont care who wins as long as i win too. So see ya at the Finish Line .

And god said let there be queers...

2005-12-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

So one grand day, god said let there be someone be so FaBuLoUs that , if they are in any part of your life. that when u think back about themu needed sun glasses becuase its like thinking about rhinestones in the mexican sun. And that just happens to be me . This is my First blog so just stick with me while i ramble on. My ex boyfriend suggested this to me . I think that he thinks that this will help me release some of anger. Because believe me ladies and gentlemen, that there is nothing worse than a sexy drag queen with issues. IT CAN GET UGLY, for the rest of you lol. Re-above! So lets start with getting some of my anger out. So about 7 months ago i start what i thought to be a fabulous person. Besides our toxic ability to get the other one to use drugs. We were just great together. I had been in love with this man for months before we started dating. He kept on trying to kill my crush, becuase he was hiv pos. and i wasn't. But in my mind i just kept thinking. WHY WHY is he making us both suffer becuase i loved him and would have done almost anything for him, and he kept pretending to not care. Why should a virus stop me from making someone happy. But i grew up quick in the months to come. As i watched him cry in front me telling me how much he cared for me , but he couldn't live with himself if i got sick. Ok time to add another charchter to this scene Dedrick the Disgusting, we call him DJ, for short. So this happens to be or was Lou's (the bf) best friend, who just happen to be in love with me . So are secret liasons all come to public once me , the bf ,and best friend move in together. Well that friendship that they cherished so much , kinda comes to an end. So with the house on edge me basically spending all me time getting fucked up with my bf we decide to start playing around with other people. It was his way to keep my sexually pleased without having to worry about making me sick. His excuse was he liked to watch, but i gotta let ya know people that i am not the one. But i went along with the farce. SO the only time that we did have sex is when he was fucked up and didn't have to feel guilty about it. And it was brought up that he was just giving it to me for a ride back and forth to work. Wow reading this i bet you are getting depressed, but wait it gets better. So my b-day comes along and there are lots of drugs and sex. Well that little episode cost me 10 days in the hospital, and near death. In wich time my bf never came to visit me . Ahh young lovers. So having family with a big checkbook i decided to flee the state. Dj had informed prior that louis didn't want to see me . So i left without a hello o goodbye back to my place of birth and sulked there for abot 5 months trying to get over , beautiful person that i lost. But i guess it would have had to be mine for me to lose it in the first place. So i come back to charleston were all the mess happened. And start hanging out with him again. Come to find out that the evil dedrick was feeling his head with lies too. And does anyone know what it feels like to find out that u had something so precious to you ripped away from you becuase of jealousy. Its more tears than u can imagine. Well the last three weeks has be me finding about how he is diff. and changed. And when i look into crystal blue eyes and those feelin flood threw me again. What can u do ? Well u just learn to bear your cross in silence. What do u do ,when u have to listen to them talk about other people that they like now. U die inside , and then smile at them and agree. But i think ill be able to stop those feelings forever soon and just look at him as a friend. But ill miss that feeling of love. But i think the best thing i can do for him , is fall out of love with him. Well i do feel better ad thanks for listening. And next time ill write about something a little less whiney and alittle more amusing . Kisses from the Queen